


Who Lives in Your Heart?

by andiebeaword



Series: Spencer Reid Mature One Shots [7]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Broken Hearts, Complicated Feelings., Don't Read Past OG Ending if You Don't Want Your Heart Broke, F/M, Fluffy Ending, Happy ending., Mentions of JEID., S15 Spoilers, Sad/Alternative Ending., alternative angsty ending, cursing., falling in love.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:01:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29161581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andiebeaword/pseuds/andiebeaword
Summary: Reader is falling for Spencer, but her world comes crashing down the second she hears him admit to his mother that he was always waiting for J.J., instead.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Series: Spencer Reid Mature One Shots [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2115516
Comments: 1
Kudos: 21





	Who Lives in Your Heart?

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the fact that I didn't care for Spencer telling his mom he secretly hoped J.J. would always be with him, and rereading moonlight-jukebox's the Aftermath series. Also, Maxcer is a no-go cause we want him to end up with Reader, right?

\-------♥--------

My mother always told me that love comes your way when you least expect it. 

That was the case when I found myself bumping into Dr. Spencer Reid. 

He'd spilled his sugar-coffee all over my blouse, causing me to ramble on about how I had then needed to run to the nearest store to buy a new top. Spencer insisted he come with me and pay for whichever shirt I wanted to buy. I was in a hurry, so I snatched the first one I saw that was my size. It was plain with minor detailing around the neckline and sleeves. 

Spencer paid for it, while also grabbing a single flower from the florist shop, handing it to me with a smile that could light up my entire world. 

"Could I--I mean, would you be interested in maybe, uhh, meeting me for coffee again sometime?" The way in which he kept his eyes away from mine while reaching up and scratching the back of his neck made me feel special. I couldn't remember the last time a attractive guy appeared so nervous around me. 

I liked it. 

"Only if next time, you promise to not spill your coffee on me, again." His face brightened up for a second, then twisted into this almost shameful pout. I couldn't help but giggle. "I'm sorry, that came out a little rude." I gave him my best flirty smile, hoping to convey that I did actually want to go on a date with him. Well, to get coffee, at least. "I'd love to, but, uhh, I'm running late now, so, um .... here." I pulled out one of my business cards, which had my name, number and a picture, which I felt didn't do me justice. 

Our first 'official' coffee date was three days later. I was completely smitten. I found out he loves learning new things, any new piece of information he didn't know before, that he has a tedious job that takes an awful lot out of him, but he chooses to give back more than he feels he's ever received. That thought alone still breaks my heart. 

Today, though, today is the day my world cracked. Sure, it might have only been just a splinter, but it was a pretty big one, if you ask me. 

Spencer and his team were on a manhunt, and one of his teammates, he told me, got shot. She was in critical condition and had been in surgery. While on the phone, I felt like I wasn't being told the whole story. I knew I wasn't. The second I overheard someone say on his end, "Hey, Spence, she's awake," all I heard after that was the sound of my phone beeping at me that the call had ended. 

Next time he calls me is from Brookfield Assisted Living, where I learn his mother lives. He would mention her here and there, but he never would ask me to go see her with him. 

Which is why this call was so shocking. 

Spencer📲: Hey, Y/N, it's Spencer. Um, my mother--, she--well, she's having a really great day, and I--well, I was hoping you'd-- he stopped himself. Would you like to meet me here at Brookfield? She'd really love to meet you.

Me📲: Su-sure, just uhh, let me go grab my things, and I'll see you there. 

With traffic and everything, I managed to arrive just shy of ten minutes past when I thought I'd be there. I greeted the lady at the front desk, saying I'd been asked by Spencer to join him and his mother. She kindly pointed me in the right direction, and I smiled as I slowly moved that way. It's just his mother, Y/N, you don't have to be so nervous. I thought back to when he'd been a seemingly nervous wreck in front of me. It gave me a moment of confidence. 

Confidence, which was shattered upon hearing his voice as he was talking with his mother. 

"---never allowed myself to even consider ... a relationship with someone else." 

"You think that's what I'm doing?" When I heard those spoken, a piece of my heart cracked without my permission. "..closing myself off to possibilities because I'm waiting for a life with J.J.?" I wanted to move, to do something, but I remained stuck to the carpet, stuck with the knowledge that our relationship, or whatever it is...was, meant far more to me than it ever did to him. 

"Aren't you, honey? Just minutes ago, you were pouring your heart out, telling me that she told you she loved you." 

"Yeah, yes, Mom, she did, but then, I did meet somebody." I hated how my heart came alive again at the sound of how sincere he sounded. "She's wonderful, we get along .... but--"

"What? No spark?" I felt a tear fall down my cheek. I imagined how our first kiss went ... 

"I don't care what statistics you have in that big brain of yours, chocolate solves everything," I said, handing him a piece of a Kit-Kat bar. He laughed, beautifully, while taking the bar and biting a piece off in his mouth. 

"Actually, I do have a pretty cool fact about chocolate, do you want to hear it?" I eyed him, suspiciously, taking another bite of my wafer bar. I nodded as we kept walking, hand in hand while eating our kit-kats. "See, chocolate has this chemical called phenethylamine, a pheromone of sorts that includes monoamine, dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin." I blinked up at him a couple times, hoping my action would convery to him that he needs to further explain. He chuckled lightly, taking another bite before tossing his and my wrappers in the trash. "In short, it's known to cause the emotion of love." 

"Wh--what?" All in one fluid motion, Spencer's hands rose up to caress my face as his lips leaned in to meet mine. That night, I felt fireworks for the first time since I could remember. After what seemed like forever, we separated, trying to fill our lungs with the air we equally deprived ourselves of. With a goofy smile, he stole another kiss, leaving me feeling as weightless as a cloud. I knew I'd never be the same, again. 

"No, Mom, it--it's not that," Spencer explained, and I thought, maybe that would be my cue to make my appearance, after all, I was invited here. 

"Honey," his mother said, "life is long and it's hard, and you deserve to have someone who will share all of it with you. All of it." In that moment, I knew. As much as I have come to realize just how much I love him, am in love with him .... he doesn't want all of it, at least, not with me. 

I left before I could hear another word. The lady at the front noticed me leave, but I couldn't be bothered if she informed Spencer or not. I just needed to get out--to breathe. 

The next day, I broke up with him over text. 

I know, pathetic move. I just knew that if I laid my eyes on his ever again, I'd never come back from it. I would let myself drown in all the regret that is Dr. Spencer Reid. 

Me📱: I can't do this anymore. Just forget about me, please. I need to do the same. 

I've mulled over those words for months, now. Wondering if I made a mistake, should I have at least given him the benefit of the doubt? Let him explain himself, fill in the missing pieces I can't seem to find in anyone but him? 

I tried to go on dates, but, none of them seemed to ever be him. I settled, instead, for meaningless one night stands, making sure there was never time afterwards for emotional attachment. I couldn't handle that. It did help that Spencer and I never did have that. A part of me always wondered now, was it because of this ... J.J.? Was he just 'going through the motions' with me while making googly eyes at her? 

It was a normal Thursday afternoon when I got the call. It was a number that used to make me feel like a thousand butterflies were fluttering in the pit of my stomach. Now, now it just feel like a thousands knots I'm unsure if I even have the desire to untangle. 

Spencer📲: Hello? Is this Y/N? The voice on the other end was most definitely not Spencer. 

Me📲: I'm sorry--yes, this is Y/N, but, um .... who are you? 

Spencer📲: Oh, terribly sorry, honey, my name is Penelope. Spencer's talked about you, and well ... I felt I should inform you that he's currently at Stafford Hospital, he uhh, he hit his head pretty hard, but I think he'd like to see if---when he wakes up. 

Me📲: Oh, oohh okay. I'll um, just let me, um, I'll be there---thank you, Penelope. 

It took me no time at all to drive there, but it was hell trying to get to see him. The receptionists at the front desk were adamant that I not be allowed to see him since I wasn't family, nor did we work together. I figured I could go to the vending machines, wait for this Penelope to hopefully come find me and show me to Spencer's room. 

Once I'd manage to get the last of the Nutty Bars, I overheard two women talking only about ten feet from me. 

"J.J., honey, Spencer told me everything, you have nothing to be ashamed of." Spencer? J.J. That voice .... his mother! I spun around, though also trying to appear inconspicuous as I found an empty seat to sit in while looking in the opposite direction, keeping my ears trained on their voices. 

"I know, I know, Diana, but...this is Spence we're talking about. Do you uhh, do you remember him ever telling you about our ... date?" Date? Wait...he dated her before? 

"Oh, yeah, I do remember that letter fondly. He had such the biggest crush on you. You know, afterwards, he did ask me if he'd always be seen as more of a friend, than a boyfriend." I want him as my boyfriend, I thought, grateful my mouth never repeated it. 

"See, the thing is, I really never did ever see him as ... well, more than my friend." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Will and I ... we're, we were letting ourselves lose sight of each other after Michael was born. I just -- I did think Spencer was cute years ago, I mean, he still is, but --- those feelings turned into pure admiration and --- and love, like platonic love. I just, I don't know if I was clear enough when we uhh, talked months ago." 

"You know, his father and I had our own shares of mishaps, but---we let them destroy our marriage. As long as you and Will still talk...communicate, all will be fine. The way Spencer talks about your husband in his letters, he's fond of him, too. And he's been over the moon happy being your boys' godfather." 

"Yeah, I just---I hope he lives to see the say he becomes a dad. I want that for him and, I know that he'll never get that from me, but he---he should, he deserves to get that from someone." 

"He sure does." 

I glanced over, watching the two women walk inside a room. Room 206. I waited. I trusted that this Penelope lady would look for me. Sure enough, I must've dozed off, because she was tapping my shoulder, gently waking me up. 

"Hey, Y/N, I'm glad you came, uhh, look, Spencer's still unconscious, but um, we got some work to do, so his mom is still here, but she's asleep, so just --- be quiet." I nodded my head, showing her I can be as quiet as a mouse. 

The moment I saw the cords, and the I.V.'s, the smell alone made me nauseous. Penelope waved goodbye, and I took the seat closest to him, gently sitting down as to not wake his mother. 

"Hey, Spence...it's um, it's Y/N." I pushed some curls out of his face, letting my fingers dance along his fragile skin. "I um, I need to tell you something. And, it's--it's hard to say, because I kinda overheard you and your mom talking, then your mom talking with...J.J.? I presume." I was so deep in my own thoughts, trying to vocalize them that I never heard the chair squeak from behind me. "Spencer, I'm---I think I'm either in love with you, or um, I'm starting to be. I don't know, I guess I just---I knew I needed to see you...even if it's just one last time." 

"So, you must be Y/N," a voice I recognized said from behind me. I turned around to see Spencer's mom standing there with a knowing look in her eyes. I gulped, letting go of his hand, placing both now in front of me as I move to stand up, not necessarily wanting to stay here any longer. 

"I am, ho--how'd you know?" 

"Oh, dear, Spencer talks about you all the time--" 

"I doubt that." I didn't mean to cut her off per say, I just, I knew it was a lie. It had to be. "With all due respect, Mrs. Reid, I really just came to say goodbye." 

As luck would have it, I missed my chance to be out of his life forever by a solid five seconds. 

"M---mom?" The both of us snapped our heads to the bed where a set of eyes, now open, were looking at us like they were seeing for the first time in, well, forever. 

"Oh, Spencer, my baby, I'm so glad you're alive!" 

"You mean this isn't heaven?" We both chuckled a little at that and I noticed he glanced past his mother to look at me. "Y/N?" I nodded, still unsure I wouldn't betray myself if the time came. The way his face broke into a smile caused my heart to burst. "Hey, Mom, uhh, can you---" 

"Sure thing, sweetie. I think Penelope is still getting snacks. I'll go join her." No sooner had she left the room, Spencer's hand immediately latched onto mine, intertwining our fingers together like they belonged. 

"Y/N, whatever it was that I did ... or said, please, please tell me what I can do, I --- I miss you." There they are. Three words I longed to hear. The only problem was, those weren't the same three words that came to my mind when I locked eyes with his. I love you. I felt a pain in my chest I couldn't shake. 

"You miss me? As a...friend?" That last word was hard to shove out my mouth, but I did it. I could already feel the tears trickle down my face, my makeup now smudged, as I desperately tried to wipe the evidence away. I'm sure my eyes were puffy and bloodshot, too. 

"More than." 

My head shot up, my eyes meeting his, they were wet from tears, too. "I--I was afraid, Y/N. For--for years now, I let my feelings for J.J. rest on the back burner, always there but never touched. Over the years, we grew to love each other as friends, best friends, even, but---the thought of it being more, it just--it was always there." Spencer moved to sit up a bit more, leaning forward to take my hand in the process. I couldn't let go even if I tried. "Y/N, to be honest, I was ... I wasn't sure about you, about us---not until that kiss." 

"You mean--"

"Our first one, it both excited me and scared me, I just---I could feel myself slowly beginning to fall for you, and --- I wasn't sure what it would mean if I let it. If I let my feelings for you deepen." I nod my head, unsure how to move forward from here. Did I want that? More importantly, did I want to move forward with him? "I uhh, I know I have no right to ask, but---would you ever consider giving me--us a second chance?" I thought it over. His big, honey brown eyes just beamed of sorrow and regret, and also ... hope? 

"Let me sleep on it, okay?" He turned his gaze away from me, nodding seldomly. I slowly traced up his leg with my index finger, settling over his hand, holding it tight. "Promise me there'll always be room in your heart for me?" 

"Y/N, my mother used to always tell me that love is a world of its own that lives in the heart, not the head. So, believe me when I say---I believe you are my heart." 

\-------♥--------

Alternate Ending: 

"M---mom?" The both of us snapped our heads to the bed where a set of eyes, now open, were looking at us like they were seeing for the first time in, well, forever.

"Oh, Spencer, my baby, I'm so glad you're alive!"

"You mean this isn't heaven?" We both chuckled a little at that and I noticed he glanced past his mother to look at me. "Y/N?" The frowny pout I saw diminished any hopes and dreams I had mere seconds ago, now crushed like dust inside his palm. 

"Why don't I leave you two alone, hmm?" As I nodded, watching her leave, I saw flashes of fear and anger in Spencer's eyes as he opened his mouth to speak. 

"Mom, it--it's okay, you can stay--" 

"Spencer, honey, I think this is a conversation I should not hear firsthand." 

Silence. It was one of the things the two of us have gotten rather good at. 

"Spencer, I---"

"I know what you're going to say, Y/N." His tone wasn't gentle, and it sure as hell wasn't nice. 

"Fine, genius, what was I about to say?" 

"That you love me...that you're in love with me.." His voice was harsh, as he glanced up at me, a painful look in his eyes, made me feel like he was piercing me with his words, his expressions, just everything.

"You're right, Spencer. I do love you. I don't think I could ever stop, no matter how hard I try, and believe me, now more than ever, I know I need to at least try." He simply hangs his head in defeat, laying back down so his head was back on the pillow. "I came here because a good friend of yours called, and---I love you too much to not be here," I knew I was getting too emotional, too attached. "But, for both our sakes, I think it's best we don't see each other, at all, anymore." 

"Right, yeah, probably for the best." I moved to give him one last parting kiss on the cheek, catching a tear that had fallen from his eye on my lips. "Y/N, for what it's worth, I--I wish things could've been different between us. I wish my heart had more room in it for you...romantically." 

"But you still don't know how to live in a world where J.J. isn't a possibility, hmm?" The shock that flashed over Spencer's eyes was something I didn't realize would give me a little bit of joy. "It---it's okay, I get it. You can't let me all the way in, not without destroying that possibility." I moved to walk towards the door, taking in every inch of him, knowing I'll never lay eyes on his beautiful self ever again. 

"Goodbye, Spencer Reid." 

As I walked out, waiting until I knew I was out of his line of sight, I ran as fast as I could down the hall to the elevator. What I didn't see was that J.J. had been waiting just outside Spencer's door, having heard the entire thing. 

\-------♥--------


End file.
